Baby Boy Lost

After five months of pregnancy, my little baby boy came into our lives for only a moment, then left us to return to his Heavenly Father. I suppose he just wasn't ready, or didn't need to come into this world at this time. We are sad and we look at our precious Henry and it breaks our heart to think of what we will be missing without our little one that would have been, but we know that we will see him again and that he is still ours for eternity.

He was born at about 1 am on Thursday, March 22nd. He weighed 12 oz and was 10 inches long. His heart had already stopped before he was delivered, so I never got to hold him while he was alive. His lungs had not developed to the point where he could be sustained artificially, so all we could do was hold him through the night. His skin was translucent and his tiny body was cold and limp. I rested him agains my chest, kissed his head and face and put my hands on him to keep him warm. He already had redish blonde hair forming his eyebrows and on his head with a face that looked a lot like Justin. He was perfectly formed and perfectly peaceful as we held him and kissed him for a few hours in the hospital. We took some photos as to not forget him and the kind nurses made hand and foot prints for us and put it all in a nice little box that we will keep in a special place in our hearts and in our home.

During these few days I have had time to reflect on my blessings and what these trials bring into our lives. Recently I have heard of tragedies much greater than my own and I am aware of what women have been living through since the beginning of time with the death of babies, and children small and big. These women are not very far removed from my generation, but I feel that in our day we expect everything to go as we plan it, and when it doesn't we ask, "why me?" I cannot pretend not to feel much grief over the loss of my child, but I do believe that his death will only influence me to be a more humble and grateful woman, a more loving mother, and a more compassionate friend. Through this trial I will also come to a better understanding of the pain the Father went through as he lost his beloved and perfect son, Jesus Christ. Because of this, I am closer to becoming more like them which will, in the end, lead me to eternal life where I can spend all eternity with my husband and children, even the ones who have been taken from me.

I rejoice in knowing that I was the vessel that carried one of Heavenly Father's special spirits and whatever the reason for his short journey, I believe that he was so special that the Lord had bigger and better plans for him in his kingdom. In the end, I get to be the mother of a soul that already proved his perfect faith in Christ and strength of testimony as to need no further trial on this earth. I am so honored to have him in our family for forever. He is a most precious part of our family and we will never forget nor be able to ignore the influence he will have on our lives for the rest of the time we spend in this world. I know he will be with us helping us choose the right and become one with eachother as we hold fast to the gospel of peace and salvation.

Our baby boy will always be in our hearts and in our minds until we arrive home to heaven where he will be waiting for his mommy and daddy, this time with a warm body and a beating heart. We love you little one.

Grandma saves the day!

I have been on bed rest now for a week and a half and so many people have come from church to take care of me and Henry. I can't believe how wonderful they have been and how willing these women are to clean my house and to take care of Henners. A month is a long time for someone to be incapacitated, so I've convinced Henry's grandma to come to take care of him and hopefully cook a few dinners as well. I'm just glad that Henry can have a normal schedule again with the naps that he needs and I'm excited for him and grandma to have this time to bond and get to know each other better. I feel like I'm doing a little better, however that doesn't really mean much in my case. I'm just hoping that my ultrasound on the 14th will be a positive one.

So, Henry has been making a sniffing noise with a scrunchy face lately as well as doing the signs for fish and airplane. He chooses not to learn the life changing signs for eat, drink, more, tired, and all done, however he sure knows his sign for fish!! You can guess how much that helps my life. haha! I really don't know what went wrong. We're still working on it though. He's talking up a storm in his secret language and loves to play with a ball and bat, or anything that he can swing around. His hair is growing and we had to cut it, and might even need to be cut again soon. I fear that it's turning blonder. I will miss his red hair!